5 years ago / in "Deep" Thoughts
Megan was unapologetically Megan.
Those words have not left my being for more than an hour or two since I heard them a few weeks ago. Driving, reading, conversations with people, parenting stuff, blow drying my hair…
I heard those words while I was at the memorial for Megan. Megan had unexpectedly died at the age of 35. Megan was a friend and former coworker of mine, about 5 years removed from my current situation as a stay at home mom, church lady, wanna be writer, leader, teacher person.
The 5 years ago “me” worked a full time, busy job at a major national non-profit. I had a team of people I managed and Megan was one of them. Megan was a hard worker. She worked harder than me. We both knew that. She loved the work we were doing more than me. We both also knew that. I was sort of ready to hit the pause button on my career (my kids were 2 and newborn) and Megan was just getting going on hers.
She absolutely did what she wanted to do. As a manager, that was both refreshing and a little frustrating. I remember the conversations we would have where I would try to coach her on working with our volunteers, maybe how to soften her approach or something along those lines. She would do her best, but she also had her way about her and it was very effective.
So, at her memorial, when I heard Megan’s sister speak about how her sister was unapologetically Megan, I just got that so much. She really was. She lived her true self, and that was most definitely something to be admired.
Unapologetic. What a thought.
I am apologetically apologetic. I have apologized for apologizing.
I apologize for EVERYTHING. You bumped into me in some random grocery aisle, I will apologize to you. You need to step in front of me to grab paper towel while I am washing my hands, I’m gonna say sorry to you. I pull forward in the carpool line because 12 people are flagging me down to pull forward, therefore not allowing you to cross in front of me through the parking lot, I will look at you with wrinkled eyes and a distraught face as I mouth I’M SO SORRY to you….
Now, there are times to apologize. Megan, however, had that living your life and not feeling sorry for it thing down. Allll of us sitting there, during her memorial, knew it. We knew she owned all of her stuff. Her love of her friends and family, reality TV, her dog, her house, she even had a blog called Megan jumping in…she did her thing and wasn’t afraid to let the world know it.
So here is me signing off on 3 decades of unnecessary apologies.
#sorrynotsorry …no. more.
I’m done apologizing for things that are just truly me. The ones where I said sorry, but I wasn’t, or maybe I was and shouldn’t have been…
my parenting skills…granted are not awesome, but why am I apologizing for letting my kids eat an occasional Dorito?…my dreams, I am ready to let God use me for what I believe He is calling me to do and I need to stop apologizing for that…my lack of Type-A, I am not a crazy planner, I don’t love binders or labels (although I reluctantly use them) and I will call you for spontaneous plans on the fly…not sorry about that…you need a friend like me, like I need the Type-As in my life. This is me and that’s ok. That whole you do you and you do me thing, yes please, but for real ok!?
Megan, thank you for living such a true, authentic life. Thank you for inspiring me all those years ago. Thank you for being so dedicated to everything you did. Thank you for helping me be more organized and sharing your love of binders with me. Thank you for giving of yourself. Sharing your story of losing your mom to cancer, always empathizing with people, but also taking action. Thank you for owing your good and bad days, for laughing about your gray hairs, for taking big trips and living life so fully. Thank you for being so patient with me as a new mom who also wanted a career. You gave me so much grace, I’m sure I was not easy to work with, but you never made me feel bad for anything. I dedicate this blog to you, you have inspired me more than you know.